In the last year or so, I've realized something about some friends and some family members who I have close relationships with or either am building relationships with or have established relationships with--they care more about feeling comfortable, than our relationship. And because they care more about comfort--in their identities, how other people think about them, status, money, power-- when situations as small as sending a picture from a show we both watch, or medium as taking long time to text back, or as big as my opinion about how I feel about things in my life, if my actions in these situations don't make them feel comfortable, and just know how they feel and how I'm supposed to act because of how they feel all while never telling me, nor granting me grace for never learning how to do something like everyone else, they do and say hurtful things to me like it's nothing. They judge me. They criticize me. Shun me. Up and stop talking me out of nowhere. They sometimes act like they don't want to engage. This has happened so much throughout my life, that I'm at the point where I'm not dealing with it anymore. I'm not going to feel bad because I didn't make you comfortable. I'm not going to take the things that you do when you try to hurt me.
What usually happens, is that when people have a problem with something that I do, they want to be right about what they think about me so bad and then they choose to stop being friends with me even though they know their wrong about me. Then later on after months or years, hit me up, apologize and ask to be friends again. This happens 9.8 times out of 10 in these situations. Just this past year I have had the conversation which consists of them hitting me up saying, "Hey, I'm sorry for what I did", then me saying how I felt about what they did, and them saying, "I know, I'm sorry", and me saying Ok, I forgive you, we can be cool again, with at least seven people maybe more. In the past it has been people ranging from strangers I encounter once and never again to my mother. As of late, people who have tried to make me feel bad about things have been siblings, extended family, people who I consider close friends, people who were ready to make me godfather of their child. Some people have chosen to end our relationship directly by telling me and some with their actions. Some who I'll have to talk to may end our relationship in our conversation. I'm at the point now where I know if this situation happens, and when they come back eventually, there will be something different waiting to happen.
I'm learning what it really is with people. People want me to be a certain way, for their own comfort, for their own happiness, without telling me, and when I'm just being myself, and when I don't fit into it, they're upset. The other part about it is, the thing their upset about, let's say taking a while to text back-- they do and have been doing the same exact thing to me. The difference is, I'm realizing, is that I never was hurt by it and if I was I would tell them how I feel and try figure out how we can have better communication and relationship. With them, I'm somehow a horrible person. It doesn't make sense why you're that mad, and it doesn't make sense why I'm just terrible. What I've come to realize is that the people who do this don't care about me or what I bring, or the good I bring to the relationship. They care about themselves and always have or began to. I'm at a point where I'm done dealing with these kinds of people. I'm tired of the unfair treatment. I'm tired of people acting like there's something wrong with me, when I do something that a minute ago you were ok with. I'm tired of people who I've known for years, and people whom I talk to frequently, and may not have been friends too long, acting like they don't know how to act with me or how to engage with me when I contact them. I'm tired of the judgment. I'm tired of the criticism. I'm tired of people's dislike for me, and yet you chose to be in my presence and chose to spend time. I'm tired of never getting the benefit of the doubt from people in anything that I do. I'm tired of all of it. I'm done with all of it.
Everyone who does this, I realize they think they know me. They think they know how to get under my skin, and what I would need from them to get back on my good side or have a relationship again. Let me tell you now and for the final time--you don't know me. You no nothing about me. This whole time you've never known me. That's your fault not mine. The reason why you're upset is your fault, and it's not mine. The reason why you're unhappy is your fault, not mine. I'm no longer going to feel bad when people try to make me feel bad. I do so much good, the fact that you choose to have a negative opinion of me let's me know you have a problem and I don't. How do you judge a person who has never judged you? How are you judging, and make assumptions about someone who has shown you nothing but love, respect, care, and understanding? How can you so easily not treat me like a human being? I'm not going to feel bad about anything from you anymore. And god has blessed me with enough awareness to know when I need to work on something and I do, and that's why I am where I am. I'm a better person because of this, and I will always be. I know myself. I don't need you to know who I am. I know my worth, I know what I bring to relationships. I'm no longer going to feel bad about people wanting comfort, wanting favorable opinions of others, wanting to think they have power over me, or anything over me for that matter, more than my love for them. I'm was happy before you, with you, and I will be happier without you. I'm going to keep being happy, being the good person I know that I am, and give goodness and love to myself and to the people who I love and who love me.